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Blog#4 | 5/7/2018
How to Spring Clean Your Relationship!
Nearly all of my clients have commented about how much happier they are feeling with the warm weather. The sun coming out has warmed their spirits and they are finding it easier to get outside, to do some exercise and to appreciate the beauty of those spring flowers.
I love the change in the seasons. The new growth in the gardens remind us all of the hope for new beginnings. In our climate and in life, the hard times do not last forever, and a fresh start is possible. That nourishes my spirit and even makes me keen to get into spring cleaning! My husband watches somewhat dumbfounded as I get into cleaning mode, scrubbing away the grit that no one had noticed during the darker winter months. I have even been de-cluttering my closet. It feels great to get things cleared out with room to breathe. It is such a relief to have large piles of rubbish or unwanted clutter collected for recycling and trash.
How do these ideas help my couples? Of course it is easier to feel romantic during Spring time, especially in New York. The brighter days lend themselves to shared activities and dates.
How to Spring Clean Your Relationship!
Nearly all of my clients have commented about how much happier they are feeling with the warm weather. The sun coming out has warmed their spirits and they are finding it easier to get outside, to do some exercise and to appreciate the beauty of those spring flowers.
I love the change in the seasons. The new growth in the gardens remind us all of the hope for new beginnings. In our climate and in life, the hard times do not last forever, and a fresh start is possible. That nourishes my spirit and even makes me keen to get into spring cleaning! My husband watches somewhat dumbfounded as I get into cleaning mode, scrubbing away the grit that no one had noticed during the darker winter months. I have even been de-cluttering my closet. It feels great to get things cleared out with room to breathe. It is such a relief to have large piles of rubbish or unwanted clutter collected for recycling and trash.
How do these ideas help my couples? Of course it is easier to feel romantic during Spring time, especially in New York. The brighter days lend themselves to shared activities and dates.
What else?
The Gottman Model of the Sound Relationship House links beautifully to this time of the year. .Just as we take stock of our homes and start to clean up, we can take stock of our relationships and clean up there as well.
Start by having some pleasant activities so you are building up a reserve of positive feelings and good will. Then I recommend focusing on the middle level of how you manage conflict.
Spring time can be the perfect impetus to begin throwing out negative patterns of interaction. Specifically, these are what John Gottman calls the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse which can damage even the happiest of relationships very quickly. Criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling can ruin the romance and friendship. His research found them to be strong predictors of divorce. Let’s make a concerted effort to put them out with the trash this week and bring in some more positive behaviors.
In my last blog I described how to use a softened start up instead of criticism. Now let’s focus on how to respond to your partner’s complaint. Do not get defensive. Do not argue back. Do not leap to your defense explaining why you were totally within your rights to have done such a thing and anyone who truly cared or had a brain would have understood that!
The complaint may appear totally unreasonable. You may be feeling unfairly criticized but responding with defensiveness and counter attacks will not help the relationship. “But, but”, my clients say, “what if it is just not true?” Well, it is true for your partner’s experience of the situation. They are seeing it as their truth and will not respond well to being told they are wrong.
The secret is to find some part of what your partner is saying and validate that. Is there one tiny part of the complaint which makes sense to you if you were to imagine yourself in their shoes?
This is so much easier said than done, even if you are a trained professional. Just last week my husband said,
“It is interesting that you seem to always make us late”. (That was his attempt at a softened start up).
I wanted to say , “No I don’t. You don’t give me enough notice and suddenly expect me to drop everything and be in the car without time to check the dog or go to the bathroom”.
Instead, I took a deep breath and gave him “the look” which implied that you might want to re-phrase that. Fortunately, he smiled at me and that helped. Then I said,
“Yeah, I guess it is annoying when we are late for appointments. It must seem like I am holding us up.” (I could say that without compromising my integrity. I could agree with him on that point and it worked).
He admitted he was also part of the problem too and we started to work out a plan to make it better. I also warned that I would be putting this in my blog so we had better keep on communicating nicely. So far so good as we both found it amusing.
Happy Spring Cleaning with your relationship and your homes.
If these techniques backfire, or are too difficult to implement you might need more help. Give me a call to book a free 20 minute consult to find out how I can help you.
Warmly,
Robyn Fowler
This blog is designed as self-help and psycho-education. It cannot substitute for therapy with a properly trained professional. If you feel that your relationship problems are serious or require more attention I recommend that you contact an experienced and qualified therapist.
If you would like more information about how I could help you,
Call 914 315 7950 | 212 405 8205 or email Robyn@feelinggoodcenter.com
to schedule your free 20 minute telephone consultation.
